From the Corner of My Eye, part 1

First of three parts

You can read part 2 here and part 3 here.

Lyra

Say you’re out in the country. It’s a cold, clear, still night: the best kind of weather for stargazing. You look up and see such a multitude of stars that it shocks you, especially if you’re an urban dweller and don’t often get away from the ever-present glow of humanity. If it happens to be a moonless night, you can see the Milky Way like a glowing cloud across the sky. You might see planets, perhaps one or more of the next three out from the sun: Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn, the three of the visible five most often seen once the sun’s glow has completely faded from the sky.

Mercury almost never rises high enough to be seen past the last remnant of sunlight. Venus does, at times. When visible, it’s the second brightest object in the sky after the Moon. When ahead of the sun in processing across the sky, we call it the Morning Star. When it trails behind, it’s the Evening Star. When you wish upon a star, most often you will – either knowingly or unknowingly – pick Venus: beautifully white and pure, never twinkling even on the windiest night, brighter than any other star in the sky. I’ve wished upon the Evening Star many times.

If you’re lucky enough to live where the ambient light is low, and if you love the night sky enough to develop some intimacy with it, to know where the planets are to be seen at any given time, to know constellations like Orion, Cassiopeia, Pegasus, Ursa Major (the Big Dipper), and Ursa Minor (the Little Dipper, which includes Polaris, the North Star), you may see other objects in the sky. Some are always there if you know where to look, and some appear only briefly.

I’ve seen a supernova. When I was sixteen, a star in the late-night summer sky appeared in the constellation Lyra where there hadn’t been one visible before. Over the course of a night or two, it became the brightest light in the sky other than the Moon, surpassing the Evening Star. Then in a couple of weeks it faded to invisibility.

I’ve seen meteor showers: the Perseids in August, the Leonids in November. The Perseids are so named because they seem to generate from a point in the constellation Perseus, and the Leonids from the constellation Leo. Once, I saw a bright light streaking across the sky, a fireball that left a glittering ribbon trail long enough that I couldn’t quite cover it with the width of my hand held at arm’s length. I watched it travel all the way across the night sky. In the news the next day I learned that it was a Russian satellite that had re-entered the Earth’s atmosphere in a blazing fireworks display that I’d marveled at along with many others who happened to look up that night.

I’ve seen the northern lights: Aurora Borealis. I’ve seen the comet Kohoutek and Halley’s Comet. Comets are objects that are best seen using averted gaze, meaning to deliberately see out of the corner of your eye.

Other objects you can see with averted gaze are deep-sky objects, far beyond our solar system. Some are visible with the naked eye, and others you can see only with a telescope. The brightest and most well-known of these were catalogued in the late eighteenth century by the French astronomer and comet-spotter Charles Messier.

The brightest and most famous object in Messier’s catalogue is perfect for teaching yourself how to use averted gaze. In the late summer and autumn sky there is a large, bright rectangle of stars that represent the constellation Pegasus. Trailing away from one point of the rectangle is a double strand of stars that make up the constellation Andromeda. Old celestial maps often showed Andromeda riding Pegasus, and the trail of stars has sometimes been depicted as Andromeda’s hair. In Andromeda’s hair is an adornment, like a jeweled barrette, that Messier included in his catalogue as M31, and which most of us know as the Andromeda Galaxy.

If you can find this object in the night sky, visible at 9 pm near its highest point in November, try this: locate the little cloud of light in Andromeda. It won’t be particularly bright, but it won’t be too hard to find on a clear night. Look a little bit to the left or right of it, not too far, maybe the distance of a couple of finger-widths at arm’s length or less, but focus your attention on the faint, fuzzy cloud of light. It should reveal itself as a larger, more vivid, lens-shaped object.

Averted gaze works because it brings a different part of the retina into use than that part more accustomed to receiving all of the light you focus on in a day, in all of your days, and which your brain is used to translating into sense and meaning. A less-used part of your eye will be more sensitive, but your brain will be less able to filter out things it interprets as nonsense. The light your eye takes in through averted gaze will not be as focused and clear, but with practice you can sharpen your acuity for this way of seeing. Astronomers of Messier’s time made beautiful drawings of the planets, revealing startling details while peering through low-powered telescopes, using this technique.

–To Be Continued

Books I Like #9

At Home in the Heart of Appalachia by John O’Brien

Anchor Books New York 2001

Appalachia

Here’s a wonderful book-length personal essay that resonates with me on a number of levels. Although O’Brien never names it, it’s clear to me that he suffers with ADHD: all the hallmarks are there, and he frankly discusses some of those markers.

He writes about his home in West Virginia, about many different aspects of life there, with an astute eye and a gift for clear, beautiful prose. Ultimately, It’s a perfect marriage of person and environment, exploring how much of West Virginia is a part of who he is, and drawing the parallels back between his own life and how that is reflected in different aspects of what this place is.

It’s a beautiful book that I just happened to pick up at a Barnes and Noble once, but it has stuck with me. I point to it as an influence in my journey from an exclusively genre reader to someone who likes various sorts of nonfiction: history, biography, memoir, essay, and journalism.

Dear Editors: I Am Not My Transition!

I’ve heard back from more than one editor, and a couple of agents as well, that a story about my childhood that I’ve been sending around is “just a chapter” because it includes a scene of me directly trying to deal with my gender issues: they all seem to want to make the whole 6,000 word story I’ve submitted about that one page-long scene. I don’t have the opportunity to explain that the story I’ve sent them doesn’t really have anything to do with “transition” per sé, because cover letters need to be brief and professional. If I did take the space to try to explain this, it would feel like I’m apologizing for my work if I were to drill down into aspects of my story in a preface that only the editor will ever see. A story needs to stand on its own.

So I’m writing this post.

I’ve been told to just leave that part of the story out, but that seems just as unreasonable. Physically, it would be possible to do that, and while that would certainly bypass the issue of my “problematic” identity, to leave that important part of myself out of my story would feel like I’m retreating into the closet that I’ve fought so hard not to be trapped in. From my point of view, the choice I’m being presented with is either to leave out this important aspect of who I am or focus my story on the expected trope of transition.

Imagine requiring a story about a black kid to include some kind of resolution to the “problem” of their blackness, or else leave that out of the story entirely. Such an expectation from an editor would immediately brand them as racist. And yet, any time I have heard an actual critique of the piece I’m discussing, this is what I hear back.

I’m trans every day. Getting my hormone prescription was only one day, one story. There have been so many stories in my life: I was trans in all of them. My being trans is just a trait, not my whole identity. I am not my transition. That’s not the only story I have to tell. Surprisingly, the vast majority of what’s happened in the time I’ve been walking the Earth has nothing to do with a particular course of medical treatment.

I refuse to accept that any memoir I write needs to either deny who I am or be about the gatekeepers who OK’ed my medical transition. I am grateful to them, but at least one of these people has had me sign an NDA. They don’t want the publicity, and I’m OK with that.

This particular memoir piece is a story about a kid who is being bullied. The fact that the main character is trans is important, but not central, and the resolution to the story is not going to come from waiting the thirty seven years it took me to get my medical transition started: the situation is much more immediate than that, so the resolution must be, too. That resolution must be about being bullied and how the central character, who happens to be trans, deals with it.

By the logic of these literary gatekeepers, no story can be self-contained, because there is always some central issue in a person’s life that won’t resolve into a nice little package with a ribbon and a bow on it. Requiring a self-contained solution to such a global problem as gender incongruence is unreasonable. Conversely, you can live with such an unresolved issue for a very long time, while many other things happen. I can tell you that this is so from personal experience.

Unfortunately, it’s been a major obstacle to getting my work published. It’s quite frustrating.